I don't know how to actually delete posts, so this is my getting rid of my embarassing attempt at poetry
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no more replies please, I get the point.
I never have been much of a poet
I thought this was too much like a story; it wasn't that poetic to be honest. But, it is your first post and gosh knows that my own first post was a bit.. Oh dear; the rest of posts probably are too!
You need to review the structure I think; I'm not so sure because I struggle with the structuring of my poems and I tend to stick with the normal boring traditional stanza sets. You know the kind - the four line, four line, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so maybe this is just personal preference, but I think you could break it up a little so it isn;t blocked together as much.
I waffled a little then.
Also, your imagery and emotion is forced and doesn't really work to it;s full effect and potential. You know what I mean?
Hope this helps.
Oh, Swirl, do I know how you feel...I've changed schools almost eight times!
but on to the poem!
The problem is that by L4, we know the MCs. It's you and it's "I", which I assume is you, but could be anyone. Because we know this, we do not need to repeat it.
I feel like this is a list. You are writing your feelings like a grocery list:
--nervous
--helped
--etc.
Another problem: the overusage of pronouns. This is a common err in poetry, and one of my pet peeve's, but it's ok, really
EG:
"You helped me
You understood me"
"I listened to you
I helped you too"
could be:
"You helped me
understood me"
"Listened to you
and helped, too"
Do you see my meaning?
Also: another problem is forced rhyming. This is the type of poem where I'd advise against rhyming. When rhymes are too simple: EG: "you" and "too", they lose their significance.
Something to think about: you don't always need the -ed verbs. Walked, talked, etc. The repetition of this -ed is a bit redundent.
So, I'd recommend leaving the structure of an outline, and free-write. Make is different. Enlighten me, because if I've heard this once, I've heard it a million times.
Good luck and PM me with any questions!
-Evang.